Random

If it's true, as one commercial claims, one out of four females misreads her home pregnancy test, then I don't want those one out of four procreating. (For the one out of four, procreating means having babies.)

...

I mainly watch reality shows on teevee, and for the first time ever all of my reality shows are on at one time: Top Chef, Amazing Race, Survivor, Project Runway, Models of the Runway. These are practically the only TV shows I watch, period. Never before have they all aired at once. This means I'm keeping up with the actions and fates of, by my calculations, 92 people, including the...

...woman with the mullet* on Survivor (I can't stand to look at her and am fervently praying her tribe loses a challenge and must shave their heads)

*mullets are my kryptonite

...talented and gorgeous Voltaggio brothers on Top Chef who create dishes like Mike's nitro gazpacho with compressed cucumbers and toast, and Bryan's deconstructed trout with Bearnaise sauce and souffled potatoes

...dull designers doing unimaginative challenges for faux judges on Project Runway (paging Michael Kors! paging Nina! paging New York City!)

...guy with Asperger's on Amazing Race. I have heard so much about this mild form of autism yet never knew anyone with it. He says exactly what's on his mind. He seems incapable of bullshitting. He also complains constantly -- and yet, at least so far, he's fun to watch.

...talking clothes hangers on Models on the Runway who by some bizarre rip in the fabric of time are sometimes more interesting to watch than their designers.


Scary. With 92 contestants co-existing in my brain, no wonder my head feels like it's exploding sometimes; it is.

...

Recently, not far from where I live, a six-foot iguana bit a seven-year-old girl's foot, severing a tendon. She required twenty-three stitches and can no longer wiggle her toes. At the time of the incident the little girl was feeding strawberries to the iguana. A veterinarian was quoted in the paper as saying the iguana probably thought her foot was a strawberry.

I wish I could make this stuff up; if I could, chances are right now I'd be editing the galleys of my twelfth novel. But it's true.

It appears some parents need to be told -- and so I will do it right here, right now -- not to let their kids feed strawberries to six-foot creatures.

I bet this little girl's mother misread her pregnancy test.